Honesty

September 4, 2008

I have had a hard time with what blog needs to come after our wonderful announcement. I have been trying to think of something to say along the lines of how we are doing and what is going on right now. I don’t like to leave anyone hanging! The more I tried to think of what to say the more I came to grips with the fact that I really didn’t want to share what is going on inside of me and my heart right now. My heart is very messy right now. But for the simple facts that there are many people who are following this blog and if we can be an example to others FOR adoption then I guess being honest can be worth it!?

First of all this is a domestic adoption and the baby will be born on October 2nd (if anyone feels lost here!)

I would think you would all be able to guess how excited we are?? That should be a given.

I don’t really even know how to start all of this but I just wanted to share this part of the journey. Its kind of scattered.

I am very guarded right now. I want you to know before hand that I am already in love with the child that God has for us and will not have a problem becoming attached quickly. There is a small part of me that is scared of getting hurt. I think that could be a given also. This is not a done deal. Its hard for me to let my heart emotionally attach to this specific child. Not because I couldn’t but because I am trying not to.

More than anything the reason that I am guarded is because of the sweet mom of this child. At this point she is very firm in her decision. She has made it very clear what she wants to happen and how much she wants us to parent this child. I have SOOOOOOO much respect for her. She has chosen life.

My heart and my spirit cannot get to a place of 100% embracing the fact that this child is our child yet. I struggle with what she would want of me right now. Would she be disappointed if she knew that I am trying to wait to spill out my love? Does she want me to embrace this child whole heartedly right now as my child? I feel like I am trying to honor her by holding back for right now. I am doing it because I care for her.

I just cannot go there until papers are signed and everything is cleared. I don’t want to go there yet. I want her to have her own time to make this decision and follow through with what she believes in. I want this to be her time. I want her to feel the freedom to change her mind if she wants to. I want to meet her and love on her as her. I want to minister to her. I want to help her. I NEVER want to look at her as just the carrier of our baby. That statement makes my skin crawl. If she follows through with everything- we will have our time. I just want this to be hers. If this is what she really wants I will 1,000% step in and love this child as if he came out of my body. I am ready for that. I have been ready. I am just waiting to see how all of this plays out.

We haven’t met her yet. We will the week of her delivery. I am greatly looking forward to that day.

For however long we have him, whether it be a lifetime or for 2 days- the moment I see him I know I will love him. I will take care of him, I will kiss all over his sweet face. I will hold him, I will love him.  I can’t consider him Steven and Maris Bush’s baby until everything is all over but I will love him.

I am speaking for myself here (Maris). I am not saying that Steven feels this way also. I just wanted to let you in on some of my thoughts as we approach October 2nd.

We are getting ready. We are excited. This is a journey that we are just daily walking through and figuring it out as we walk. I am so so thankful for all of your sweet comments. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers for us and our sweet mom. We will keep you updated!

Advertisements

guess what???

August 26, 2008

You guessed it!! October 2nd there will be a precious little boy born and his mother has chosen us to parent him!!!!! It is coming very soon and we could not be more excited!!!! Our social worker called and said, “Maris this is THE call. She chose you and Steven!!” Those were the words that we have longed to hear for a year now. Today we realized that in just a few days it will mark an exact year since we began this journey to our sweet August.

We are still very aware that she can change her mind and decide to parent this precious boy and we are begging God that she would make the right decision for her and this baby. We still feel that she is the BEST and number 1 option, but if she decides to place we are there to parent this child. For today she is confident in her decision and we are going to move forward with it and be ecstatic!!!!!!!

I know that you all know the first name but for (I believe) the first time we are announcing his full name:

August Henry Bush 🙂  🙂  🙂

We love this little guy with all of our hearts already and have experienced a new joy that neither of us have ever felt before.

Please pray for her and this baby. Our mom is deeply on my heart today. Please pray that our house will sell very soon so we won’t be homeless and have a baby at the same time! Please pray that God would provide the rest of our money needed to complete this adoption.

We love all of you so much and thank you for walking this journey with us!


adoption update : we’re officially waiting!

July 15, 2008

it’s been almost a year journey for maris & i. we’ve done countless pages of paperwork, hours of working towards our fund raising, lots of photos taken & shirts sold to help raise that money, lots of generous donations, lots of prayer, lots of criticism, lots of support…all for the hope & purpose of making ourselves available to a child that needs a home. to become a mother & father for a child that needs one.

we are on the home stretch of that process. just tonight maris & i received an email saying that we’re officially approved. they will be showing our profile as much as they can, and this means we could be chosen very soon. this is super exciting news for us…we could be parents very soon.

i’ve got lots to do before then. we’re still quite a bit short on our money, and we will have to have that at the time of our placement. tomorrow will be a day filled with researching adoption loans & grants. there are some great ones out there…i’ll let you know how that goes.

thank you for your prayers & support through all of this. please continue to pray for the mother of this baby. she is making decisions that i will probably never have to make. i pray that she finds peace & comfort in making the right decision for her…whatever that might be. please pray for the health & delivery of this baby. pray for maris & i as we continue on this journey.

thanks for following our story.

blessings,
steven


August

July 12, 2008

My heart is so heavy today. My longings for this child grow stronger and stronger each day. I really feel like my heart is safely resting in the hands of God knowing that He is the only one who knows the details and timing of our lives. I feel like I am resting and trusting. I am a little perplexed as to what I do with these longings? Sometimes they are excitement, sometimes they are sadness. I find myself being a little more quiet these days! They are just really strong right now. I just feel so ready- but I know that will all change when a baby is placed in my arms! I am soooo thankful this is the route we were supposed to go first. I long to be pregnant one day but my heart could not be more excited with where we are today. I walk into our room full of baby stuff and just long for him/her to be a part of our lives. I am ready for a child that runs to me as mommy and wants me to comfort them! I am ready for a child that is dying to see and be held by daddy! I can’t wait to see Steven’s heart melt when he feels that love from this child. Its so weird because when we started this process we wanted a boy so badly! I can say that I find myself longing for a beautiful little girl too! I am absolutely ok with either and would take both of I could! 🙂

The weeks are so weird now. I love Mondays! I know they are in the office and working. Its the beginning of the week and who knows what the week will hold? I just want my phone to ring! Friday’s are a little harder 😦 All in all we are doing great and getting more and more excited. This is just the strangest process with the craziest emotions! Please keep praying for our mom who is making tough decisions, for the rest of our money that we need and for our house to sell! I have been overwhelmed with all of you who have been reading this blog. I am so sorry that we don’t post more! Your comments have been so sweet and we are rejoicing and understanding all the hurts and struggles with each of you who are in the adoption process too. We are praying for you too! Thank you for reading.

Maris

I got my diaper bag in the mail today and cannot wait to use it!


Well…. we are waiting!

July 2, 2008

I talked to our social worker yesterday and she told me that she is going to start showing our profile! I think life has been a little crazy at their office. They seem really busy right now but she assured me that our profile would be shown. We are super excited and feel like it could be anyday.

This journey has been beautiful for Steven and I. We talked last night and Steven sounded so confident and ready to be a dad! I feel like my love grew for him in a different way last night. I don’t know if you have read on either of our personal blogs but we are in the midst of moving to Texas right now. Our house is up for sale, we have boxes in the garage and hopefully we will have this baby before we leave. EVERYTHING is such a huge question in our lives right now. Will this baby be a boy or a girl? Will our house sell? When do we leave? So many questions. I know this is where we are supposed to be right now. We have both taken our turns during this journey of wanting this so bad, then freaking out for a while, scared about all of the details and back to knowing that God is in total control. I too am ready. Whether it be boy or girl we are ready for August in our lives!

I cannot stop thinking about our mom here lately. I know that she is probably going through some heartache and decisions right now. I pray, as told her in her letter that we wrote to her, that she makes the right choice for her. That this is her baby and her decision. She is in my thoughts and prayers so much. My love for her and wanting to be a part of her life is so strong right now. I want so badly for her to feel God’s love during this time. I am praying so much for her. I love her the way that I already love this baby. I just want so badly to meet her. Please pray for these women today. They are making huge life decisions. They are strong and have immense love for their kids. I pray for no regrets in her life. I pray for a confident decision for her and this baby. I want her to parent first and if that is not the decision that she makes we want to be there to help her and love her and this baby.

This is a crazy process with weird emotions! I am so thankful for all of you who have been reading and keeping up with everything. We are more excited than you could ever know! Now its our time just to wait for the right mom to choose us.


Well…. we are done!

June 7, 2008

After many months (many is relative)  we have everything that our adoption agency needs from us turned in!!! Our social worker came to our house and did our last bit and now everything is in her hands. She said it would take her about a month to get our homestudy done. We should be hearing from her around the first of July to start the “official” waiting process!! We are soooooooooo excited and ready for this baby! I can’t believe everything is done and it is officially out of our hands. It feels like we crossed over the top of a huge mountain and we can see the promise land!!

It is great to have this month to sit back and relax and enjoy our time together. These could be the last couple of months we have by ourselves for a long time. I feel really good right now. Not to anxious or impatient. I am really relaxed and dreaming about this baby. Who knows if it will be a boy or a girl? We were really hoping it would be a boy in the beginning (and still) but I think we are getting a little more excited about the idea of a girl. Who knows!

I have our baby bed, mattress, stroller/car seat, pack n play, bouncer and some other really great gifts! I LOVE all of them! I love looking at them and can’t wait to put a baby in each of them! We love all of you for the support, love, gifts and prayers you have given to us. This is really becoming a reality and we can’t wait to share this journey with you all. My heart is in love with adoption. I am in love with becoming a mom!!


Its getting closer

May 4, 2008

I am in baby world! I know Steven is getting tired of hearing about all this! We just registered at Babies R Us a couple weeks ago and that had to be some of the most fun I have had in a long time. This is really happening. Its real. This is the route that we have chosen to take before pregnancy and it could never feel more right. I am in love with the baby that God has for us before we ever see him/her. I am just so in love! I wish my body reflected how I feel. I honestly feel about 8.5 months pregnant. I am really hoping that in the next couple of months we could have a baby! We are so so excited!

This morning at church we talked about being adopted into God’s family and I just couldn’t help but cry knowing we have such a beautiful picture of adoption by the way God loves us. There are many adoptions that have not gone well. I learned this when we first started this process. There are many heartaches and tears shed both ways over these precious kids. I wish they could all be perfect and that these decisions were easier for all parties involved. I want so badly for ours to be healing and for us to be able to love on our first mom and invite her to be a part of our family if she wants that. I think about these mom’s all the time. Their love, sacrifice, heartache and what incredible women they are. My main concern is that she makes the right decision for herself and that she is not pressured from anybody else either way. I want her to do what she thinks is right for her. This is what I pray for most.

We sat next to our friends Eric and Mandy who just adopted baby Cohen. Their blog is: http://mandyandericmoore.blogspot.com. They have had a beautiful journey and its amazing to see how incredible Cohen’s birthmom is and the beautiful love she has for her son. We went through our adoption training together and I love how you can see desire and love all over people’s faces and to see the results of hours of paperwork, working hard to raise money, hours of training and hours of waiting turn out. To see that precious baby and know that they were able to give this incredible women a second option is all just really overwhelming.

We will keep you updated. Steven has his individual interview this week and I have mine next week. After that all we have left is for them to come to our house and approve us to adopt and we are done! We are hoping and praying for all of this to be done by June 1st. Its pretty scary how close we are. Please pray for all of the mom’s that are in this situation. Please pray that God would provide the money that we have left to get. Please pray that we can have all of this done before Steven leaves for the summer! Love you all so much, thanks for reading and keeping up with the Bush’s!