Honesty

I have had a hard time with what blog needs to come after our wonderful announcement. I have been trying to think of something to say along the lines of how we are doing and what is going on right now. I don’t like to leave anyone hanging! The more I tried to think of what to say the more I came to grips with the fact that I really didn’t want to share what is going on inside of me and my heart right now. My heart is very messy right now. But for the simple facts that there are many people who are following this blog and if we can be an example to others FOR adoption then I guess being honest can be worth it!?

First of all this is a domestic adoption and the baby will be born on October 2nd (if anyone feels lost here!)

I would think you would all be able to guess how excited we are?? That should be a given.

I don’t really even know how to start all of this but I just wanted to share this part of the journey. Its kind of scattered.

I am very guarded right now. I want you to know before hand that I am already in love with the child that God has for us and will not have a problem becoming attached quickly. There is a small part of me that is scared of getting hurt. I think that could be a given also. This is not a done deal. Its hard for me to let my heart emotionally attach to this specific child. Not because I couldn’t but because I am trying not to.

More than anything the reason that I am guarded is because of the sweet mom of this child. At this point she is very firm in her decision. She has made it very clear what she wants to happen and how much she wants us to parent this child. I have SOOOOOOO much respect for her. She has chosen life.

My heart and my spirit cannot get to a place of 100% embracing the fact that this child is our child yet. I struggle with what she would want of me right now. Would she be disappointed if she knew that I am trying to wait to spill out my love? Does she want me to embrace this child whole heartedly right now as my child? I feel like I am trying to honor her by holding back for right now. I am doing it because I care for her.

I just cannot go there until papers are signed and everything is cleared. I don’t want to go there yet. I want her to have her own time to make this decision and follow through with what she believes in. I want this to be her time. I want her to feel the freedom to change her mind if she wants to. I want to meet her and love on her as her. I want to minister to her. I want to help her. I NEVER want to look at her as just the carrier of our baby. That statement makes my skin crawl. If she follows through with everything- we will have our time. I just want this to be hers. If this is what she really wants I will 1,000% step in and love this child as if he came out of my body. I am ready for that. I have been ready. I am just waiting to see how all of this plays out.

We haven’t met her yet. We will the week of her delivery. I am greatly looking forward to that day.

For however long we have him, whether it be a lifetime or for 2 days- the moment I see him I know I will love him. I will take care of him, I will kiss all over his sweet face. I will hold him, I will love him.  I can’t consider him Steven and Maris Bush’s baby until everything is all over but I will love him.

I am speaking for myself here (Maris). I am not saying that Steven feels this way also. I just wanted to let you in on some of my thoughts as we approach October 2nd.

We are getting ready. We are excited. This is a journey that we are just daily walking through and figuring it out as we walk. I am so so thankful for all of your sweet comments. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your prayers for us and our sweet mom. We will keep you updated!

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6 Responses to Honesty

  1. aimee says:

    I think your feelings are completely normal and commendible. We have adopted 2 children and are in the middle of our 3rd adoption – due the end of Jan. I feel the exact way you do. We have close relationships with all of our birth families, and you can’t help but love them when you see their pain and sacrifice. It is a very scary time – when you are matched, before the birth – before you know how everything will play out. The one thing we cling to is this. For whatever reason, only God knows, He brought us into the life of our birthmother at this time, for this season. I don’t know if in the end we will add another precious baby to our family. BUt what I do know is God intends for us to minister to, and love on this girl and her family at this time – and He will use it to His glory and His purpose, whatever the end result will be. I too, am guarded with my love for the baby she carries, but I choose to lavish my love on her instead. I know I will have no trouble loving her child when and if the time comes for that. This is how it has been for all our adoptions, and I have seen God use the desire we have to honor our birthfamilies, and the love we show them in tremendous ways. I will pray for you both throughout this very unsure, uncharted time. Thank you for all the love you have for this wonderful birthmother. She is truly so deserving.

  2. iurn1999 says:

    As I sit here at a 4:30 am feeding I feel your pain and fears! Our 2nd adoption was just final 3 weeks ago. Our first adoption went like a breeze and I’m glad because i was so excited I had no fears! We heard of our second baby girl through word of mouth 8 weeks prior to her birth. The BF created alot of drama and stress for us, but with lots of prayers and encouragement everything did finally settle down. Even when we brought her home I was careful to say we were her guardian. Now at 10 weeks old and the papers final, we are picking out colors for her room! We do have an open adoption, BM, Grandma , Aunt and 13mos brother have visited our house twice now and we will continue to have monthly dinners to get acquainted. Good luck! God Bless
    Kristen
    ourlittleangelbaby.blogspot.com

  3. Tamara Cosby says:

    I love you…I cannot say I understand but I will say I am praying for you and Steven and your future family as well as the mother who has chosen you two…and the choices she is making…I love your heart sweet Maris…and boy do I miss you!

  4. Jen says:

    another matched adoptive mommy here-just wanted to chime in and wish all three of you the best. your sweet mom sounds wonderful, and I’m sure you are aching to just get your arms around her and squeeze her in person. our mom is due in mid-october, and I’ve had many of these same indescribable feelings of not quite knowing how to be. this is such a difficult time…luckily we live not far from the dorm our mom is staying in and I’ve been lucky enough to see her weekly. I dread when she goes back home because I will miss her so much. I don’t even know HOW to feel about this adoption…I hate to see her hurting, but am so ready to love on this baby. I feel very torn (and caught myself talking to her mom last night and asking “have you thought about WIC? What about foodstamps? Are you SURE you can’t make it work?” LOL.
    Hang in there…we’ll be a few weeks behind you, but following your awesome blog.

  5. roni says:

    It’s got to be a hard spot to be in. I think your feelings are only natural. I’m sure this lil guy’s mother is going through some of the same emotions. I know I wanted to love and attach to PooWee so badly while being pregnant, but tried harder to “pretend” he wasnt mine and try to withdraw myself from him. Love can’t be stopped.
    My thoughts are with you. I’m sure I’ll be checking back OFTEN, awaiting the post we are all waiting for.

  6. katie jo says:

    I totally understand. We too are adopting domestically and I feel the same way. I am dealing with all sorts of emotions right now. Don’t know you, but will pray for you:)

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