Tonight on Grey’s Anatomy they had a couple that had just adopted a baby. The baby instantly bonded with the mom and she had some medical issues and wound up dying. The father of the child said that he could not love this child because it wasn’t his blood. He was worried that he wouldn’t bond with her. I could feel my blood pressure rising and was hoping that my favorite show would redeem itself. In the end the mom died and he came back for the baby and decided to parent. More on this later…
This was not exactly the idea of adoption that I would have wanted portrayed. I have learned a lot about adoption since we have started this journey. I had such a great picture of adoption in my head. I honestly thought that if any girl decides not to parent her child and chooses parents to raise this child then that was the ideal adoption. I need to be honest and say that I am hurt that my perspective has been tainted. I know that every adoption is not perfect. I am not nieve enough to believe that everything in this world goes a long perfectly. We have had so much negative feedback on this blog about our decision of adoption but our friends have been so wonderful and supportive. I have to say that I really in my heart of hearts believe God has called us to adopt. I also have to say that I have been greatly discouraged. I have not posted in a while and I just feel like I am not over the negativity of when we first started this blog. Obviously these comments are not on here anymore.
I guess from my closest friends I need to admit that I just need some prayer. I can’t put my finger on what is wrong but there is something in my heart that is discouraged. Its hard when you feel as if you are ready to run this race and are so pumped up and then somebody comes and knocks you down and tells you that what you are doing is all in vain. I just want this dark cloud over my head to go away.
I have a heart to adopt a child. I know that every adoption is different. I know that not everybody’s intentions are good. I know that I want to do a good thing but I have so much fear inside of my heart right now. This fear has NOTHING to do with the thought of us having a failed adoption. This fear has nothing to do with a sweet girl that changes her mind and decides to parent. Part of my fear is from outsiders looking in and thinking we just want to “take somebody’s baby away.” My fear is that people will judge us in the future not for the transracial adoption we desire but for the critism that some have with adoption in general. So I guess I am admitting I am scared of grief from people and what they think. This is just an honest blog and a stage in our journey from me (Maris) that I needed to get out and ask for prayer for. A bunch of us are going to the Bethany friends dinner on Tuesday night and I am greatly looking forward to this.
Update: Today I had my physical and tomorrow we are getting fingerprinted. We are getting so close to turning our paperwork in. I know some of you are thinking that we have taken forever to get our paperwork done but I really think this has been a special time for Steven and I. We have needed this time to prepare. We have needed this time together working on the house and preparing ourselves for a baby. We have done so much to our house and getting it baby ready. Steven has worked so hard on his days off!! We are slowly transforming our 2nd bedroom into a baby ready room. I long for a child. I feel so ready but yet so not ready!!