This morning Steven has gone out of town and I am here at the house thinking about all the paper work that I need to get done for our adoption. We have so many meetings we need to go to and so much to get done. I am overwhelmed.
My heart is heavy and my head is full of thoughts. It feels like we have to climb a mountain to get to August. I am typicly not good at climbing mountains. My track record is pretty full of finding a way out of climbing. It could be that my hiking boots are the wrong size or the weather is not what it needs to be in order to climb at the best of my ability. I guess the two reasons to not climb this mountain would come down to fear and a lack of perseverence.
If I were to be honest I am a little afraid of getting hurt in this process. I am afraid. I honestly can’t put my finger on it but I have this tiny fear down in the pit of my stomach. Am I really ready to be a PARENT? Can we afford a child? What if we are chosen and the birth mom changes her mind? I know that would be the right decision for her and I know that I would be ok in that moment and so supportive of her but what happens when I get home and I am alone?
I am not good with perseverance. Perhaps this is the very reason that I hate running. Running was punishment in basketball. I hate running. I mean what is the point of it? I always find reasons to get out of something. I am a wimp. The more I write in this blog I realize what a screw up I am. How am I supposed to influence a child? I never want August to be a quitter or a wimp!
I realize these 2 things:
1. I have the opportunity to change the very things in my life that plague every decision right now. I don’t have to sit and stare at these things and just assume that I am stuck with them for the rest of my life because that “is how I am.” I can change! I mean “I” can’t do it but there is a greater love in my life that changes these things the closer I get to him. This is when the perseverance kicks in. When I see these things I have to pull away from my old self. I have to determine to change. I have to wake up every morning and decide to love, I decide to not live my life based on fear. I have to decide that even though its hard I have to keep going. The end result is much sweeter 🙂
I need to see how much I stink as a person. I do not have it all together even though I LIKE to wear that hat and let everybody think I do. (I know the people that know me really well are laughing to themselves knowing that even though I like wearing that hat they know the real me.)
2. The second thing that I need to keep in mind is that life doesn’t always go the way we planned for it to. The safe and more comfortable way in this situation (I think) is for me to get pregnant. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has told us to move forward with adoption first instead of getting pregnant. (Steven will be posting more of how we came to this decision under our “Why are we adopting” section soon) Sometimes I get scared. I am finding though that anytime you “move forward” with anything in your life it can be scary. Again, in my head I think it would be easier to get pregnant first. I am finding that A LOT more people lose babies during pregnancy than I thought. A LOT more people struggle with not getting pregnant than what I thought. If you stand back to look at the big picture- there is fear in every situation of life. I mean why get married if I will grow to love that person so much and he gets killed in a car accident? Why get pregnant if I could miscarry? Why start the adoption process and the birth mom changes her mind and I get hurt? I mean why do anything in this life?
But is this enough? Should we always live scared? I start thinking about the potential of big brown eyes and little fingers and toes and I can’t help but start tearing up. I would do anything to hold August. I would climb over any mountain to get to hm. There is a longing for him in the pit of my stomach that I cannot ignore. I long for him everyday. He is always on my mind. All of my fears flee when I think about him. I have no idea what he will look like or where he is or if he is in somebody’s belly at this moment- but I dream all the time. I love him aleady and I could care less about what he looks like. I just want to get to August.
So today I am choosing to not be a wimp. I am choosing to not live my life based on fear. I see the end result and I am looking at August and not the paper work in front of me. Hang with us and we will get there! What about you? What are you afraid of? What do you have a passion for but fear is standing in front of? What will you look back on in your life and regret not doing?
You have a choice 🙂